


A background story

by scipianne



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Background story, English is so not my native, First Kiss, Humour, Kidnapping, M/M, awkward and sweet, dirk is such a sunshine, like really weird, something weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 22:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9092959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scipianne/pseuds/scipianne
Summary: While being into trouble, Dirk and Co find their way into another trouble. Small one. Weird stuff and heartwarming conversations included.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what it is and how to read it, honestly, but it's quite Dirkyish, I suppose. Love to everyone! (Don't hate me for my grammar and punctuation. Especially punctuation)

It's all started with...  
Well, it's not. Actually, if we are talking about right start for all "it" situation, we should go to the deep, deep past, to the times when dinosaurs were small and happy or Dirk Gently was just born. Which is quite exhausting as it would take us so much time to describe the whole story we're about to tell. So, we're not going to. We're going to tell it from the one middle point to another middle point. It's like the story inside a story with a start and an end both happening to be in the middle of the bigger story (you got it, more or less). Which has its advantages and disadvantages, and one of the last ones is that we're starting with Dirk, Todd, Amanda and Farah being kidnapped by some creepy strangers just after their happy reunion, which in its turn has happened after long and not really joyful searching for Amanda and Dirk by Farah and Todd. Just the two of them, which felt weird in a way.   
(Also, they were reunited by an accident.)  
It all happened really quickly, I must say, as even Dirk didn't managed to say almost anything while they were transferred to some dark room without any windows and Todd was taken away by kidnappers (hiding behind really crappy masks. I mean, really, masks were awful. My 3-years-old nephew could do better) and surprisingly kissed by Farah a second before.   
That is where we should begin. 

DIRK  
What was THAT?!  
AMANDA  
Um... A kiss?   
DIRK   
No, I mean, yes, well-- Wasn't it a bit unexpected? To you? To all of us sitting there and watching it perhaps closer than we deserved to?  
FARAH, stopping finding a way out for a second.   
Hey, it was you talking to me about me liking Todd yourself!  
DIRK, indignantly  
No! I was talking about Todd being nice in general, not implying you eating his face in front of me!  
AMANDA, grabbing Dirk by the arm and taking him to the other corner, fascinated  
Do you like Todd?  
DIRK   
Yes, sure, he's my best assistant, meaning friend--  
AMANDA   
That's not what I asked! Do you like him like, you know?  
DIRK   
I know like what?  
AMANDA, in a really scary voice   
Like in a romantic way!  
DIRK   
Oh! No! I don't know. Maybe. Yes?  
AMANDA   
Whoa! That is cool! And complicated. More complicated than cool, actually. Why is my brother more popular than me? Don't answer that question, it's rhetorical one.   
DIRK   
Is it -- I mean, me, Todd, whatever I feel -- that obvious?  
AMANDA   
Um, no?  
DIRK, seriously   
I would not want him to know, I think. He's my only friend and it would scare him away, right? Something always does, no matter how I am trying, there is always something wrong about me, and I used to think that it is about all that weird things happening around but at the end of the day it's only me, not knowing how to be a good friend or son or somebody.   
AMANDA   
Hey, don't say that. What's wrong with being yourself, man? I tried once to pretend that I'm all that nice and sweet, you know, but it ended pretty bad and I felt like I'm living in somebody's else skin and can't get out of it. And although my brother IS asshole, he's not that bad to just leave you. Cause he is your friend and his life became something better with you in it and he realizes it. And anyway, you still have us. We are your friends, you know.   
FARAH   
Are you two-- Okay?  
DIRK   
Oh! Yes! Totally! Definitely! We are the finest standard of the word "fine", aren't we? And we are so not talking in whispers so that you couldn't hear us... Oh! Is this a hidden door? Are we supposed to find this hidden door and seek our way outside through it by passing a quest?!  
FARAH   
This is not exactly--  
DIRK, shining  
We need to find a key! To the door! Quickly, help me!

At the same time, but in another place, Todd was also having a conversation. 

MAN IN THE MASK, in a hard voice   
Who are you, answer me?  
TODD  
What? Who are you?  
MAN IN THE MASK  
I'm asking questions here!  
TODD  
You should know who am I, you kidnapped me!  
MAN IN THE MASK  
Well, I don't!  
TODD  
That is-- oh. My name is Todd, and you have my friends down there, and I really don't like this conversation.   
MAN IN THE MASK   
You think I like it? Who are your friends are? Why did girl kissed you?  
TODD  
Why have you kidnapped us? I don't know anything! We don't know anything! She just kissed me! Without a reason!  
MAN IN THE MASK   
We kidnapped you for a reason! You think we did it without a reason? We are reasonable guys! You should know something, otherwise we wouldn't have had you here! Is she your girlfriend?  
TODD   
SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!  
MAN IN THE MASK, very emotionally  
Come on, stop shouting, the neighbors will hear you! And it's midnight! You can wake them up! Shhh! Why isn't she your girlfriend? Do you like her?  
TODD  
Well, yes, I do, she is all that cool and smart and pretty hot but we spend some time together and it wasn't quite like as... Wait, why are we talking about my not girlfriend?   
MAN IN THE MASK   
It's you who is talking about your not girlfriend. Who are you dating then? Another one, with long hair, who bit me?  
TODD  
She's my sister! That is sick, man.   
MAN IN THE MASK   
Then the weird guy?  
TODD  
No, he is... He is my friend, I'm not... No, no, no, why are we still talking about it?  
MAN IN THE MASK   
Then who are dating then?  
TODD  
I'm dating no one!  
MAN IN THE MASK  
Then you are loser.  
TODD  
Oh, thank you so much. And you have a shitty mask on you.   
MAN IN THE MASK   
Well, that was offensive. 

Man in the mask comes closer to Todd, obviously annoyed and looking up, when Todd beats him with the head and runs for his life. Successfully, surprisingly. A few minutes after he crashes into Dirk, Amanda and Farah, also running. Dirk is looking fascinated, Farah concentrated, Amanda awed. 

TODD  
Guys!  
DIRK, AMANDA and FARAH, together   
Todd!  
TODD  
How did you get out? This is so weird! That guy was so weird! Are you okay, is everyone okay?  
DIRK   
We escaped! I dug out a tunnel! They helped, obviously. What's happened to you?   
AMANDA   
Did they torture you?  
DIRK   
Did they hurt you with their creepy weird-designed laser pistol?  
AMANDA   
Did they have creepy weird-designed laser pistol?  
FARAH  
Um, laser pistol?... I think I might figure out how to get out of here.   
TODD  
Fine! Take a lead. 

Corridors are deserted.

FARAH, trying to sound neutral   
Um, Todd... I think we should talk, I mean, nothing serious, and it's not like I am making you talk to me if you don't want to, it's just, um--  
TODD  
Yeah, I got it. I think we should talk too. I suppose.   
DIRK   
And we are so totally not listening from here, one step away from you.   
FARAH  
Well, I kissed you before.   
AMANDA   
Which could be much more private.   
FARAH   
And it was not the right thing to do.   
TODD  
Okay.   
FARAH   
I mean, you're nice guy, probably, but it's not like--  
TODD  
Not like you like me and I like you and we are happy together?  
FARAH, relieved  
Yes.   
TODD  
Okay. I mean, I got it.   
AMANDA, quietly  
Wow. 

They finally get out and stay for a minute looking around. It's night, and they are in the backyard of the building they were in. Streets look unfamiliar and unwelcome. Amanda walks Todd away so others could not hear them. 

AMANDA   
What was that?  
TODD  
That men? Crazy, huh? And so stupid, actually.   
AMANDA   
No, I mean Farah! You did like her, didn't you?  
TODD  
Oh. Well, it was just the two of us for a bit, you know, which reminds me to ask you half a billion questions I have, and it was nice and awkward and uncomfortable as shit. So I sort of dropped it. I want to be honest now. It also means being honest with myself. Well, also it sounds like I left all my hopes for getting a relationship with someone. Why are you smiling in that creepy way?  
DIRK, suddenly appearing   
What are you talking about?  
TODD  
Dirk! Oh, no, you're not not answering me. Can I say that? Not not? Not not not... Argh. Where were you two? What happened to you? We were looking for you, me and Farah! What is going on? Why is always something going on? Oh, I was so worried about you guys! 

Todd hugs both of them, Amanda pretending to look annoyed, Dirk excited and confused, like he has never been hugged before. 

***

While the heroes were leaving, a big drama was happening inside the building. 

MAN IN THE MASK, crying on the floor   
They hurt me!  
ANOTHER MAN, whose name is Chad (he doesn't like it, but we're gonna call him by it, because all that "man"-depersonalization is annoying)  
Shut up.  
MAN IN THE MASK  
But they did! Girl bit me, and that short loser guy hit me right in my little belly!  
CHAD  
Which is entirely your own fault, dickhead.   
MAN IN THE MASK   
Why do you hate me so much?

***

Next morning, Todd's apartment. 

AMANDA   
So.   
TODD  
So--  
DIRK   
So? Are we saying the same words in turns? Farah, why didn't you say so? Stop being silent, you're embarrassing everyone! Why are we saying that exactly?

Amanda giggles. 

TODD  
Um. Dirk, please, silence. Now. I got it about the government guys who want us to be taken and probably killed in a very painful death, but who are that masked guys? From yesterday? Anyone got an idea?  
FARAH   
They are not professionals, that I can say.   
TODD  
Also, I'm not really sure that they knew who we are.   
AMANDA   
Does it matter? We've got bigger problems right now.   
TODD  
We have to understand what we are dealing with. More or less.   
DIRK, in a whisper   
Am I allowed to speak now?  
FARAH   
Yes.   
DIRK   
They wanted a ransom!  
AMANDA  
A ransom?  
DIRK   
Well, obviously. Kidnappers always want a ransom, it is the first rule of kidnapping society! Are you stupid?  
TODD  
But we haven't got any money! Or anybody who is able to pay it!  
DIRK  
Maybe they didn't want the money, maybe the wanted something else!  
TODD  
What something else?  
DIRK  
I don't know! -- Oh! Yes!  
TODD  
What?  
DIRK  
We can investigate it! I mean, as an agency! We can hire ourselves and give ourselves a case, that would be fantastic!

Todd suddenly laughs. Amanda looks out, hidden halfway by the fridge, eating something. Farah and Dirk watch Todd apprehensively. 

FARAH  
Are you okay?  
TODD, calming down   
Yes, fine. I guess I just tired of being annoyed permanently. 

Dirk smiles tenderly. Todd and Farah are looking at each other for a second, then turning off, embarrassed a little. 

AMANDA  
Anyone wants to eat this? No? Then it's mine. 

Suddenly there is a load bang outside, and a window crashes, showing a head wearing mask. 

TODD  
Oh fuck.   
CHAD, aggressively climbing in  
Lie down and shut up!

Farah pulls out a gun, Chad does the same and starts shooting. Everything is a mess. Dirk gives a short high-pitched scream, tries to grab Amanda and Todd and runs to the bathroom. There is a whole bunch of weird noises. 

TODD  
What? Why? What?  
DIRK   
Are you alive?  
TODD  
Yes! Who's that crazy guy? Why is it always my apartment? Where is Amanda?  
DIRK   
I don't know! Amanda's outside, probably.   
TODD  
Well, can't you have a hunch or something?  
DIRK   
It's not working like that! Shh, it's quiet.   
CHAD (from the outside)  
Come out!  
DIRK   
We don't want to!  
TODD  
(quietly) we don't want to? What the shitty -- (out loud) Amanda, Farah, are you there?  
CHAD  
They run away, but I still have you!  
DIRK   
We are not saying anything!  
CHAD  
So you know something!  
DIRK   
We know a lot of things! But we are not saying them! Or we are saying a lot of things but not that things you want us to say because we know too much that things you do not want us to say!  
CHAD  
Wh-- what?! I'm opening that door right now!  
DIRK   
No, you are not, you're only saying that you're doing it but actually--

Chad tries to open the door but it is jammed. He swears quietly. 

DIRK   
See? You can't do anything!  
CHAD  
Same as you, stupid.   
DIRK   
Fair point.   
TODD, philosophically   
Why are our lives so fucked up?

All three of them stay silent for a moment. Dirk and Todd hope Farah and Amanda will figure something out. Chad tries to open the door again, but fails. Dirk sits at the floor, closing his eyes, and Todd joins him in a while. 

DIRK  
Can we talk?  
TODD  
Ah?  
DIRK   
I want to talk to you. About you and your life. Farah, maybe.   
TODD  
Now?!  
DIRK   
Well, we are not quite occupied at the moment, aren't we?  
TODD  
Well--  
DIRK  
It's all look confusing and messed up from outside, I mean, to me, and --  
TODD  
It is confusing and messed up.   
DIRK  
Okay. I just want to tell you that it is important to do what you want to do. What you need to do. Otherwise you can never get the chance to be what you want to be. Just a friendly advice, you know. From a friend. From me, as your friend.   
TODD, with a sight  
It's not what you think it is. Probably. It's just... Farah thought that she liked me but she didn't but she had already acted like she did, and I liked her for a while but not really much and then I understood that she is not the person I want to be with although I like her and maybe I like someone else more and after that I started to like her more like a friend. But it has already become confusing and embarrassing.   
DIRK, confused  
Okay.   
TODD   
But actually... Your advice was pretty good.   
DIRK   
Was it?  
TODD  
I am going to do a thing, which I've never done before because we were too busy and I was scared of consequences, probably, but I suppose it's now or never.   
DIRK   
What are you ta--

Todd shuts him up with a kiss. 

DIRK  
What was that thing? That thing that just happened when you did that thing?  
TODD  
I kissed you.   
DIRK   
Did you? Why did you do it?  
TODD  
Okay. Do you like me? I mean in a romantic way. In a very specific understanding of a word "romantic", which includes gunfire or kidnapping or ducks contraband.   
DIRK   
Is "yes" considered as a right answer?  
TODD  
And I like you. Surprisingly. So, when there are two persons sharing that type of feeling, they kiss. Sometimes. Among other things.   
DIRK   
Okay. Got it. D-- do you want to continue?

They kiss again, awkwardly holding each other which leads to Dirk falling and crashing into floor by the head. At the same time, door opens, showing Chad -- without a mask, scarred, and very angry. 

DIRK, from the floor  
Ouch!  
TODD, sitting on top of Dirk, quietly   
Sounds more like never.   
CHAD, really angry   
Where are my bananas?  
TODD, standing up  
WHAT?  
DIRK, quietly   
Ooh.   
CHAD, pointing at Dirk   
You! Answer me! Where are they?  
DIRK, terrified   
I don't know!  
CHAD  
Yes you do! And you! Why did you hit my brother?  
TODD  
The man in the ugly mask? He kidnapped us! You kidnapped us!  
CHAD  
IT WAS A PRETTY MASK YOU ASSHOLE!

At that moment Farah breaks in holding a bigger gun. Chad doesn't see her. 

FARAH, in a changed voice   
Police!

Chad swears, jumps into the crushed window and runs away. 

FARAH   
That easy? Really?  
TODD  
What? Bananas?  
DIRK   
Oh.   
AMANDA   
Are you okay guys?  
TODD, suspiciously  
Dirk?  
DIRK   
Yes?  
TODD   
Is there any chance you know what bananas he was talking about exactly?  
DIRK   
Oh. Um. Do we need to talk about it really? Right now? We have a lot of stuff to do, you know, saving ourselves, that, you know, stuff?  
TODD   
Dirk.   
DIRK   
Fine! Maybe when I was escaping from the creepy government guys, you know, that guys that wanted to kill me so that you would never see me again, I stole a box full of bananas. By accident.   
FARAH   
What?  
DIRK   
It was self-defense!  
TODD  
I'm not sure I can handle the details right now.   
AMANDA   
So, basically, we are in the run not only from the government, but also from the creepy too much emotional bandits brothers whose bananas we stole.   
DIRK  
Nice, you are catching quickly!  
FARAH   
But where are bananas now?  
DIRK   
I'm afraid the government people got it. It was self-defense, you see.   
TODD  
So what are we doing now?  
FARAH   
We should find a shelter. A lot of people are looking for us.   
DIRK   
Come on, no one is so stupid to assume that that we are hiding here, that's perfect! We should stay.   
TODD  
Is your intuition thing saying we will not be found here?  
DIRK   
It doesn't work like that, I can get only INTO trouble using it, not OUT!  
AMANDA   
We need to think what to do next. Also, probably, you need to eat. You do look like zombies, and not the nice type.   
DIRK, to Todd   
By the way, would it be okay to continue the now-or-never talk? Or not talk? At some moment?  
TODD   
Oh. Yeah. Probably. Not right now. More private?  
DIRK, smiling with satisfaction  
Okay. 

They all look tired, but happy in some weird way, trying to find something eatable in the fridge, feeling nice and connected to the others.   
Incidentally, they look almost normal. Almost.


End file.
